A bunch of nothing from a lady who still calls herself a girl. Welcome to the growth of a new life of a Woman who had to travel to the opposite side of the country, live in a bush stripped of any and everything I've ever believed I've known, to find Truth, Peace, and a Power that I'm here to share.
Thursday, May 31, 2018
Saturday, May 26, 2018
Where is God NOW?
I've been"living" in my van for a few weeks.
"Where is God?" I sometimes wonder. God is everywhere with everyone and everything at all times. I am a part of God.
Well when I don't care any longer and I give up on living, I don't feel the love of God. I'm craving human love. That isn't what God is, that isn't how God loves. And when I really take a moment to remember that, I am filled with gratitude. I want God's love, I think we may all fall victim to wanting God's love from humans. I have always been a kind, loving, caring being. I love hard but my love is often expressed in negative ways. I rarely realize this while doing it but nevertheless, I am human, usuallyplagued with a sickness that is so sick, I believe I'm most well when I'm most sick.
If my love can harm and I know to my core that I want nothing but to have my love embrace my loved ones and make them feel safe, warm, protected, and wanted, then I am reminded that the people who hurt me most (because I know they love me best they can) are as human as I am so my thought, wants, needs, and energy should be directed to God in order to receive the desired effect.
I am suffering today. I feel ashamed, I feel self pitty, I feel abandoned, I feel overwhelmed, I'm nervous, scared, sad, angry, worried, and a few other things I probably haven't identified.
I want someone to save me, I want a human being to come to my rescue and comfort me. I want consistency. I want to feel at the very least, satisfied. I want relief and I don't want to feel these things alone.
I want partners in my redemption, I want to create something that will save us all from our self destruction.
Not only do I seek God to be human, I also crave to be God for everyone but me.
Where has God been? With me? Why has God allowed these painful things to happen with me? Are you here God, watching me, and not caring? Are you taking a break from my constant Fuck ups, letting me stand on my own like a baby fallen down, beginning to walk?
I doubt you. I can't understand how I could doubt what a powerful force you are after waking up and finding you but my mind has a power that creates and destroys you when seen fit.
I saw you yesterday God, you carried me like you always do, weightless, smooth, seamlessly. I know it was you. You made sure I knew it could only be you. Thank you. You did what you had to. You bonded your love tightly with a few good men and let your care shine through them.
Your light is so bright and strong with the oddest touch of calm, I can stare right into you and my eyes don't burn like as if looking at the Sun. Another reminder to keep my focus on you.
I dig you God but sometimes, I wonder.... WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
"Where is God?" I sometimes wonder. God is everywhere with everyone and everything at all times. I am a part of God.
Well when I don't care any longer and I give up on living, I don't feel the love of God. I'm craving human love. That isn't what God is, that isn't how God loves. And when I really take a moment to remember that, I am filled with gratitude. I want God's love, I think we may all fall victim to wanting God's love from humans. I have always been a kind, loving, caring being. I love hard but my love is often expressed in negative ways. I rarely realize this while doing it but nevertheless, I am human, usuallyplagued with a sickness that is so sick, I believe I'm most well when I'm most sick.
If my love can harm and I know to my core that I want nothing but to have my love embrace my loved ones and make them feel safe, warm, protected, and wanted, then I am reminded that the people who hurt me most (because I know they love me best they can) are as human as I am so my thought, wants, needs, and energy should be directed to God in order to receive the desired effect.
I am suffering today. I feel ashamed, I feel self pitty, I feel abandoned, I feel overwhelmed, I'm nervous, scared, sad, angry, worried, and a few other things I probably haven't identified.
I want someone to save me, I want a human being to come to my rescue and comfort me. I want consistency. I want to feel at the very least, satisfied. I want relief and I don't want to feel these things alone.
I want partners in my redemption, I want to create something that will save us all from our self destruction.
Not only do I seek God to be human, I also crave to be God for everyone but me.
Where has God been? With me? Why has God allowed these painful things to happen with me? Are you here God, watching me, and not caring? Are you taking a break from my constant Fuck ups, letting me stand on my own like a baby fallen down, beginning to walk?
I doubt you. I can't understand how I could doubt what a powerful force you are after waking up and finding you but my mind has a power that creates and destroys you when seen fit.
I saw you yesterday God, you carried me like you always do, weightless, smooth, seamlessly. I know it was you. You made sure I knew it could only be you. Thank you. You did what you had to. You bonded your love tightly with a few good men and let your care shine through them.
Your light is so bright and strong with the oddest touch of calm, I can stare right into you and my eyes don't burn like as if looking at the Sun. Another reminder to keep my focus on you.
I dig you God but sometimes, I wonder.... WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
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